Fundamentally Loathsome
by Blue6 - Blood66
Summary: [one-shot] After three years of waiting, Kenshin has finally got the courage to propose to Kaoru. And in one night's celebration with sake, would everything go wrong? [My first ever RK fic! Dedicated to chrynn. ^-^] R/R pls!


author's notes: /disclaimers: I don't own RK, and Marilyn Manson's song, but this fic./ Kenshin's POV. warning: Angst, character shifts, which was caused by alcohol. maybe also obscenity.   
  
..Dedicated to my best friend, Chrynn..  
  
  
Fundamentally Loathesome  
  
------------------------  
When you hate it you know you can feel, but  
When you love it you know it's not real...  
  
+Marilyn Manson+  
------------------------  
  
The moon was full tonight. It had been like that for many nights in a row. Its light shone over the city, covering the roofs of the buildings in a bright mellow white. Solemnly, I watched the people pass by in front of me, who were oblivious of the source of light that guides them to their destination. They never were aware of the beauty that looms just above their heads.  
  
I guess I'm the only one.   
  
And these thoughts brought me to remember my sensei, Seijuro Hiko. Perhaps I have so many memories, so many regrets, too many pain to exclude the life of the moon from my thoughts. The moon's the only witness of me, my life and the blood I have shed.  
  
Slowly, reluctantly, I closed the shoji window and lay on the futon, trying to close my eyes and sleep. I drew the blanket over me, and slid the katana on my side. I shut my lids tight, but it was in vain. It was inevitable for my mind to dig up the events in this day, causing my sleep to be disrupted.   
  
Too much pain. Too much problems to be dealt with.   
  
The image of Kaoru lingered in my mind for a few moments before shifting to something else. Yet the picture kept returning, reminding me of the guilt, which strangely possessed my mind at that time. My mind's conscience is overly used - worn out - that certain emotions can't be fixed into their proper place.   
  
I missed to feel lighter emotions, just for the reason that I have seen pain, and blood writhing up her eyes, welling there as I stared.   
  
Those eyes...  
  
I sat up, defeated at the fact that my mind wasn't cooperating on my desire to sleep to temporarily forget. With a sigh, I opened the door, grabbed my katana and walked stealthily to the entrance of the dojo, to think of something else until I grow tired.   
  
It was quite cold outside, and I automatically drew my kimono close to my body. Hugging myself, I inched closer to one of the wooden poles and leaned on it, once again gazing at the moon. I felt so alone, but it was enough to make myself suffer. I deserve it.   
  
I stretched my legs and placed my katana on my shoulders while thinking of what have happened in the past. But my mind went hyper so I stopped. Megumi's face floated in my mind for a moment, and I sat rigid but it disappeared as my tension did. It was replaced by Kaoru's pained face... eyes welling with tears.   
  
My hand tightened on the hilt of my katana and my lids shut tight as memories rushed into my mind, flashing images before my eyes...  
  
+++++++++++++  
  
It was past noon at that time. Kaoru was busily preparing her so-called food for dinner. It was very early, but we just kept our mouth shut because we knew that once we butt in with questions, she'll burst out. So we kept our questions to ourselves and continued with our normal routine in Kamiya Doujo.   
  
Yahiko was inside the doujo, yelling with every hit on the wooden replica of someone, which strangely resembled Sanosuke. And about Sanosuke, he has gone off somewhere, most probably in the gambling house where he and his friends daily gathered. Megumi was somewhere in the vicinity...   
  
And I was glad of that because I wanted to be alone for now.  
  
It was those times when I have to contemplate over things, so I was slumped behind the large trunk, the sakaba-tou leaning on my shoulder. I didn't worry about the kids interrupting me, because they were in Doctor Genzai's house, taking their afternoon naps.  
  
I thought about Kaoru. I contemplated whether or not to declare my feelings for her. It was hard to think about that, considering that my subject was some feet away from me. But then, I had to think for the wait had been so long. I know in her head, she was thinking when I would do this too.   
  
All of a sudden, there was a warm hand caressing my neck. I jumped, startled, rose then stared at the playful depths of Megumi's eyes. I forced a foolish smile as I unconsciously edged away from her. My heart was thundering inside my chest as I uttered some breathless phrases.  
  
"What.. are.. you doing here? You frightened me," a forced uncertain laugh.   
  
Megumi grinned like a cat and continued to reach with her fingers. Apparently, I wasn't in the mood, but I have no guts to just shove her away. It would require more than force. More courage - courage to destroy this reputation I have built in here. My smile vanished for a moment, but instantly pasted it on when Megumi stared at my eyes.   
  
"Kenshin, you're so beautiful... you know that?" she inched closer, and I smiled sheepishly, the picture of Kaoru not releasing itself from my mind. I placed my hands in front of me, inches from her shoulders, to keep her away in case she came closer. The beating of my heart increased until it gave me pain, and with that, I gritted my teeth. Enough, enough... I chanted to myself.   
  
Then she drew back, very amused and laughed, covering her mouth with the back of her hand. I breathed a sigh of relief, soft enough to be audible.   
  
"Why are you so afraid, Kenshin? Is Kaoru still bothering you?" She came close again, close enough to gain contact. The look of amusement left her face, transferred by a complex expression depicting something else... longing?   
  
I forced a careless smile again and shook my head wildly. "Neh, neh! What are you saying?" I sat again, returned to my original position and stared aimlessly at the mountains behind her. It was entertaining for some reason, and relaxed me.   
  
Megumi sighed loudly and humphed away from me. She flipped her hair over her shoulders and stalked away, muttering something I didn't bother to listen to. Soft wisps of air passed to me caused by her departure and made my hair loose for a moment. Several strands went down to my face, but then, I didn't bother. I was too busy keeping my mind empty. To be able to think once again. I shifted to an indian sit position, closed my eyes and meditated.   
  
Breathe in, breathe out. 'One.' Breathe in, breathe out. 'One.'   
  
The process went on and on, until I dozed off.   
  
I woke up with worry. And I woke up with this weird figure looming in front of me, shielding me from the brightness of the sun. My vision at that time was blurred and only when I shifted to look at it sideways did I know who it is.   
  
Seijuro Hiko. I asked myself, was I dreaming?   
  
"Oh, baka deshi, you're finally awake. Do you know it's already dawn?" he gestured to the skyline. The clouds generated a series of colors: blue, orange, red, yellow, white, and dissolved into the bright yellow that was the sun's. I groggily tore my gaze at the sky and looked at my sensei curiously.   
  
"Sensei... I don't mean to sound rude, but why are you here? What's... the occasion?" my sensei let a smile claim his features, though only for split second before returning to his usual stoic expression. His eyebrows drawn on the center, as if concentrating, he gave me a forceful slap behind the head.  
  
I rubbed my head, startled at this action. I'm not actually surprised at this, he usually do such things for a purpose, and while doing it, he unconsciously gives me pain. Physical pain. His force is strong, and is hard to control. A playful slap could be fatal.   
  
The grogginess faded away and I could see my sensei's features clearly. His eyes were glinting, and reflecting the orange of the sky. Was his presence a warning?   
  
"You remember," he started, gazing at the dawning sun. I watched his broad back, amazed how it doesn't even move. "You told me three years is enough for you. And three years have passed, Kenshin. Have you done it?"  
  
I stopped watching him and thought of what he said. Then it came into my mind, and I instantly chuckled to myself. My sensei could be so unpredictable at times. I halted my chuckling and looked past his shoulder. The dawning sun was leaving the horizon. Over the skyline it was a war of black on orange, blue and yellow. The moon would eventually come out. Frowning in concentration, I thought of what to reply.   
  
My heart swelling inside in determination and pride, I answered him promptly. "Yes, I'm now ready." I clenched my fists. There was no turning back now. Courage and shamelessness should be built right now. Kaoru was just some feet away - waiting.   
  
From a distance, someone called my name. A tall lean figure in white ran to my direction, the spikes completely obliterating the sense of neatness. Sanosuke. While he proceeded, I observed that there was something in his hand.   
  
He pushed a little box into my hand and grinned at me sheepishly. I opened my palm and looked at the small box. Without any hesitation, I opened it and stared at the precious diamond in the silver ring. The diamond reflected my flaming red hair and it looked beautiful. I looked up at Sanosuke, not knowing what to say. This might cost him a year of his gambling wins, and it doesn't feel well if I took this.   
  
As if reading my thoughts, Sanosuke waved his hands in front of my face, still grinning. "I won this afternoon, and man, was it was a big price! And knowing you are too poor, I'll just give you this. Just treat me for dinner whenever you want. Hehehe," if it were possible, his grin became wider until it almost reached his ear.   
  
"Thanks, Sano..." I grasped for words to say, but there was none. My sensei was now on his feet, and he pulled me up and shoved me to the Kamiya Doujo. I stumbled and rubbed my left shoulder. Gee, my sensei really knows how to comfort.  
  
Breathing deeply, I gripped the small box and walked to the entrance of the Doujo. And there, I found her crouched over an untidy part of the spotless doujo. I proceeded to her, announcing my presence by the volume of my footsteps on the wooden flooring. After a while, she raised her head and looked at me. Her face was blank and the way her bluish hair framed her face made her prettier. Then, after a moment she stood up, her eyes flaming as she gritted her teeth. I stepped back, gasping. What an entrance.  
  
"Where were you, Kenshin when I wasCOOKINGYOUWERESUPPOSEDTOCLEANthe Doujo this afterNOON!" she yelled, getting a fistful of my clothes, shaking the hell out of me. I tried to stop her, reason to her, but it was in vain. If I do anything with my hands, the small box will be revealed, and would spoil my plans. But instead of cooperating with me, her hands merely went further on retrieving my wits, going down to my biceps and finally with a moment's struggle, I lost my grip on the box and it slowly went down on the floor, rolling and stopping just beside her foot.  
  
"And what's that... that -" Kaoru stuttered and picked up the box, opening it then gasping. She looked from me to the ring, over and over, until I decided that I take over the show.  
  
"Kaoru..." I took her hand and the box of the ring, and finally took both of her hands into mine, staring at her blue eyes intently.   
  
"Will... you marry me?"  
  
-----------------------   
  
I can't thank Buddha much more because at that night, Kaoru didn't leave my side until the moon was full on the sky. Dinner past by, and I must praise Buddha once again because the food was more than edible: it was gourmet. Kaoru confessed to me that she was having these visions of me proposing to her, and she tried her best to cook. The atmosphere was very light that evening, and jokes which were exchanged to each other left each one a pleasant feeling of fulfillment. Megumi's spirits were unusually high too, but when I stared at her too much, she would cast her eyes down for a moment, and I swear I saw the uncertainty and solemness printed in her expression, but instantly transferred by euphoria.   
  
And now, I'm sitting at the entrance of the Doujo, with my sensei drinking his sake and Sanosuke removing his bandages to replace it with new ones. I was staring at the full moon, and wondering what would happen. I said a silent prayer in my head and gingerly closed my eyelids.   
  
Without warning, a cold hand carressed my neck for the second time this day. I opened my eyes, and knew that it was Megumi. I turned to her, and greeted her with my jovial nature.  
  
"Oh, hello Megumi. Having an interrupted sleep?" I smiled and she replied with a sly grin. Obviously she has no intention on sleeping. Sanosuke tilted his head to watch the commotion, curious of Megumi's sudden presence.   
  
"Hiko-san, you should realize that your friends here needed some celebration. But I know you're just too selfish of your alcohol, so," Megumi said, half taunting and half happy, then showing two big bottles of sake and three cups. "Let's celebrate, neh?"   
  
Sanosuke drooled at the sight of alcohol and I simply looked at her curiously. "And you're drinking?"   
  
Megumi flipped her hair over her shoulder and looked at me with malevolent eyes, as if my question deprived her in some way. "Well, of course, I'm in the legal age, Kenshin." We locked eyes for some minutes or what, then Sanosuke butted between us, mouth literally dripping with saliva and grabbed the alcohol and cups.   
  
"Who cares who would drink and what it'll cause us, man, what matters now is that we have all the share of the alcohol!" Sanosuke popped out the cork from the bottle and poured liquid to his cup, instantly drinking it straight. "Damn it's good!"   
  
I glanced again at Megumi and she gestured me to the cups. I took one, taking a sip from what Sanosuke poured in it. Smiling at her, I said, "Arigato. I appreciate it." I downed the drink and Sano poured more in it. Megumi picked the last cup and Sano automatically poured sake in it. My sensei wasn't taking his eyes from the moon.   
  
"Yea, for Kenshin!" Sanosuke raised his cup, and we all did, except for my sensei, of course and drank it straight. The liquid trailed fire on my throat, but I didn't mind it. Tonight I wanted to be happy.   
  
"Don't drink too much, baka deshi," my sensei said to me softly and then stood up to go to the guest room. The jug was almost empty, and probably he wanted to finish it in a place where he could get a clear mind.   
  
Sanosuke was overly hyper that he insisted that he would be the one who'll pour alcohol. But after some time, his vision became blurred that pouring sake was a difficult task. Apparently he had a lot of alcohol, and it already affected his mind. My vision was still okay, and the alcohol was not affecting me still. Megumi's talking was partly slurred, so most probably her mind was affected too. I grabbed the bottle, finding out in surprise that it was the second bottle. I poured myself a full cup and stared in wonder how we drank the large amount of alcohol. This bottle I'm holding now is already half empty. I took a deep breath and downed the sake. Unconsciously, I poured sake in Megumi's awaiting cup and likewise on Sanosuke's, then mine again.   
  
Minutes passed and the bottle was already empty. I lay on the wooden floor, staring at the blurry bright circle in the grey clouds above. My head was throbbing, and it was hard to think of a single thing, and if I would, a terrible wave of something would greet me. So I didn't think, only indulging in the feeling of alcohol claiming my body. I felt so light, and I found out that saying things were too easy to do. Glancing at my side, I found Sanosuke leaning on the wall, head down. He was knocked out...  
  
"Haha... weak guy... knocked out..." I said, my voice taking a new pitch and volume. I spread my hand on the side and looked at Megumi, who was also lying on the floor, eyes fluttering as she tried hard to keep it wide open. My hand landed on her shoulder, and I giggled at Megumi's temperate skin. Her eyes flitted at me and she joined my giggling.  
  
"Uhm, Kenshin?" her voice was distant, slurred.  
  
"Hmmm?" My stomach churned for a moment, but disappeared.  
  
"Do you really love Kaoru-san? I mean, you proposed - a while ago -..." she grunted.   
  
I gazed at the moon and avoided not to think. My mind was totally sending me incoherent words and I just blurted some words which I think doesn't really make sense. Megumi grimaced, trying to think it over, yet failing. Again, I tried to resurrect some meaning to what I was saying.  
  
"Why do you care? Yeah, I love her..." I snapped at her, then hiccuped before continuing. "Why, do you like me, hmmm? Do you like me to love you, hmmm?" I giggled once again, then burst to silent laughter. I didn't hear her laugh, but it didn't matter, anyway. I'm totally in my own world. I liked it this way. Bitter memories and problems distant; emotions partly forgotten.   
  
"Utopia," I muttered, and giggled after saying it. I don't know, but right now, it seemed as though someone was possessing me. My mind felt that it was occupied by something else. Perhaps by alcohol, which tries to control me.   
  
Suddenly the floorboards vibrated and I felt a very warm hand caressing my bare arm. Looking up, a saw a blur of black, peach and navy blue, looking at me with beautiful eyes. For a moment, it flashed blue. Its hand went to my face, parting my hair, trying to get it away from my eyes. The hand on my arm crawled to my chest, and slipped in the kimono, tracing the muscles inside. I moaned, wanting to close my eyes, but first, I wanted to know who this woman was.   
  
I gazed at her face, the long hair catching light, reflecting the blue color. I smiled. This was Kaoru, I know. Her glinting blue eyes were sleepy, probably because it was very late at night. I didn't want to think why she was here, as long as she was showing her love for me. I sat up and traced my finger on her face. I noticed that her skin looks paler than usual, and her hair was ruffled. Once again, it didn't matter. Nothing matters now, but her and me.  
  
Her hand in my kimono, I stood up, and we started to walk side by side, in a peculiar way. On our way, my knees gave way and she went with me, giggling. We tried to stand once again, and then when we reached my room, I pushed it open, entered, closed it behind me and we stumbled on the futon waiting on the floor. We were giggling for this happiness inside us.  
  
My mind was heavy, and before I even think of it, I have removed my kimono, and then the others proceeded in a blur, her skin, her hair, the light of the moon, the futon, everything. I wasn't thinking straight, and everything I did, I thought, was right.   
  
"Kaoru," I whispered as we lay side by side, while I twirled my hand on her hair. Before I even heard her reply, I have fallen asleep with everything so distant; my body so tired and my head heavy with alcohol.   
  
Blackness followed.   
  
-----------------------  
  
The light of the sun from my open window blinded me. I shielded the blinding light from me by my hands, but it didn't work. I finally opened my eyes, with some difficulty, finding my futon messed. I lay there for a moment, then when I tried to raise my head, a terrible nausea knocked into me. My stomach churned, and I ran to the toilet to release the puke that was trapped in my throat. After vomiting, I took in my appearance, trying to remember what caused this nausea. Then I noticed that I was only wearing my underwear, which made it more absurd. Looking at my left then to my right, I stealthily went back to my room, wearing my kimono, which was strewn on the other part of my room. I wonder about a lot of things today. And it made my head hurt more. Vomiting once would do good, and a second would just suck. So I sat on the floor, trying to remember. But it caused my head to ache once again. It was so painful...   
  
Frustrated, I went to the dining area to find Sanosuke, Kaoru, Yahiko and my sensei on the floor, eating whatever there was on the table. When they noticed my presence, they all greeted me cheerfully and resumed eating. Except my sensei. He looked at me intently, studying my appearance and then proceeded to eat. Kaoru smiled gaily at me, and gestured to the vacant space beside Sanosuke. I replied with a smile and sat, looking at the food. There were chicken noodles, which smelled really nice, and from the looks of my friends' faces, it seemed that this was good food.   
  
Sanosuke looked up at me and asked, "Do you know where Megumi is?"   
  
I didn't know, so I just shook my head. The bowl in front of me was steaming, and in front of it was a cup, filled with fresh water.  
  
And I stopped. Memories rushed to me so fast that my head was aching again, and that nausea returning. I remembered last night when I drank with Sanosuke, and Megumi, the time when I was already drunk, and saw... saw...  
  
My eyes became large when I remembered the thing after our drinking episode. My stomach stopped churning, and I found myself running to my room, and seeing a note lying on top of my lamp. With shaking hands, I opened it and saw Megumi's hurried handwriting. With the first word, my heart thundered in my chest, as the memories of last night rushed in my mind. The words in Megumi's letter cut scars across my face.   
  
God.   
  
[Kenshin, last night we got drunk. I certainly hope you remembered. We were out of our minds, the alcohol spreading its curse in our bodies, and we didn't know what we were doing. I liked you, Kenshin, that's why I gave myself to you. But it was all wrong. I thought you liked me in the first place, but when I heard you say her name, I was torn apart. I knew you were not yourself that night, yet I still hoped. But it was lost the very time you said her name. I am broken. Me, my confidence, my pride, all broken. The time I woke up, I packed my things and left. There was nothing to be done at all. I cannot face you once again, or either Kaoru, Sano or even Yahiko; this woman who shamed herself in front of who she loved... and torn by you. Goodbye.]   
  
No! I did not... No, I shouldn't have! Why would I lose my mind over that time? It was silly... so wrong... I gnarled my fist in anger with myself, digging my nails in my flesh. I have done a very bad mistake, and would add to the memories that left guilt trailing in my mind. I have just proposed to Kaoru, and this is what I've done?   
  
I crouched on the floor, crumpling the letter and blankly stared at my futon. Pain and guilt filled me and my vision was red. Then, the shoji door opened, and there walked Kaoru, with her fair face and kind expression. When she spotted me, she crouched in front of me with a look of concern written in her face. I cannot stand it, so I looked down. The look of innocence in her face scared me.   
  
She extended a hand to mine and squeezed it. In a soft voice, she inquired, "What's wrong? Are you okay?" I screamed mentally at myself, hating myself and partly Megumi for doing those things when she knew what she was conscious of what she was doing. Hate filled my eyes, and the hand that was squeezing my hand felt cold, and alien.   
  
"Yes, I'm okay," I looked up, forced a smile, though I don't know if it really looked like one. I stared at my feet, hating to look at her with love, when I was feeling the strongest of guilts.   
  
Kaoru probably thought that I was withdrawing my feelings for her because of my actions. Maybe my smile wasn't reassuring enough. Maybe it was so crooked. She left my hands on my lap and stared at me with pained, bleeding eyes which were welling with tears.   
  
"Kenshin, do... do you love me?" she whispered, her lower lip quivering. She fidgeted with the diamond ring in her ring finger, still staring at my eyes. I looked up and met her pain, her tears. I forced a smile, which at that time I wish was proper enough. But my lips won't cooperate. Looking at pain made my guilt grow stronger. I cannot answer. Only my guilt, my hate prevailed in my mind. It was void of love.  
  
I didn't answer. I shifted my gaze on the ground, and finally she stood up, and ran out of the shoji door to her room...   
+++++++++++++  
  
Breathing deeply to remove the painful beating of my heart, I lay here, under the light of the moon, wondering if I could just take it all back. This pain, this hate, I have to get rid of it from me, and instead feel love which I should have felt when she was there.   
  
Kaoru...   
  
This time, I decided to force my emotions to divert to love, even though it was impossible. I stood up, stretching a bit and went to her room. I opened and found her near the lamp, sitting and crying.   
  
Pained, bleeding.   
  
I smiled at her and went to her side, taking her hands the way she took it the last time. I squeezed it comfortingly, looking at her eyes, making my expression proper.  
  
And carefully, I said these words which would possibly assure my love for her.  
  
"Aishiteru, Kaoru... Remember that," I took her in my arms, embracing her tight.   
  
But in my mind, the guilt remained, and in that embrace, I felt Megumi's skin, and her scent lingering in the air, the hate still emitting from my mind.  
  
Yet I love Kaoru with all my heart.   
  
I just can't feel it right now.  
------------------------  
I want to wake up in your   
white, white sun  
I want to wake up in your world  
with no pain.  
But I'll just suffer in a hope to die someday.  
  
+Marilyn Manson, Fundamentally Loathesome  
------------------------  
  
+Owari+  
AN: at last, I finished it! After two nights of sitting in front of my computer, listening to countless rock/heavy metal albums (which increased the rush of ideas in my mind, also my typing), nights of sitting, hurting my back with absolutely no painkillers, I finished it. And I hope you like it, hope the characters weren't so OOC since this is my first RK fic. All kinds of reviews are welcome, just let me know what you think. I don't own Marilyn Manson's song 'Fundamentally Loathesome' in his album Mechanical Animals. It's his, I just love the song. ^-^ *sigh* And once again, Chrynn, this is dedicated to ya! hope you liked it. finished: 11:06 PM 3/9/03 edited: 9:07 AM 3/10/03 


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